We here at K2JAS have had a devil of a time installing ground rods with a
rock table only two feet below the soil surface. What is a relatively
simple problem to solve in most parts of the country with water drills or
sledge hammers... we've had an almost impenetrable problem until we went
to.... yep!... you guessed it.... the ground rod test laboratories in
Seems that Luxomboug occupies an area of Europe that sits on an ancient
solidified layer of volcanic magma. Really nasty stuff to try to sink
ground rods into. Breaking through the hard magma had scientists at this
facility really puzzled since the magma has a high concentration of iron
which was attracting all manner of lightning strikes.
One of the scientists, remembering the pioneering work done by the US Navy
in WWII with trained dolphins placing depth charges on enemy ships... and
the work of B.F. Skinner to train pigeons to control missles in flight to
their targets..., figured there was probably a way to use animals to solve
the ground-rod-in-the-rock problem.
When one of the laboratory assistants happened to mention that he had
gerbils that loved to tunnel.... it set off an immediate round of
brainstorming. Animal behaviorists were called in to advise on how to train
gerbils to be of assistance. Everyone agreed that no matter how good the
gerbils were at tunneling in dirt... they were totally useless in solid
rock.... unless they could be trained to carry plastic explosives vertically
down to the rock layer.
A system of rewards and punishments were devised to train and encourage the
gerbils to carry the plastic explosives in little packages strapped on their
backs (with the fuses attached) straight down to the rock layers, chew off
the plastic attaching cords and climb back up the fuse, exit the hole and
get a chocolate treat. Then, the fuses would be lit and the large series of
small simultaneous blasts would blow the rock below to smitherines allowing
ground rods to be easily inserted.
So much for the theory of animal behavior. What actually happened was
another story. It seems that after the dozens of gerbils were properly
addicted to the theobromine in chocolate (a chemical relative of the caffine
in coffee) they became hyperactive. Now there is nothing worse than a
hyperactive gerbil. After several high speed tunneling runs with their
packages of plastic explosives the gerbils developed severe diarrhea and
were unable to adaquetly grip the now slippery fuse cords to seek an exit
from the holes they found themselves bottomed in.
The scientists, impatient to get on with the blasting, simply decided that
the furry critters were expendable and set off the plastic charges anyway.
Well, the results were most interesting to asy the least. The gerbil holes
acted as bazooka tubes and launched into the stratosphere were thousands
furry shreds of well lubricated gerbil parts traveling at super high
velocities...only to fall all over Luxombourg in a most unusual kind of rain.
I believe that the facility, although the first in the country to achieve a
ground resistance of under 5 ohms, was shut down by animal rights activists
even though those poineering gerbils did more for lightning protection in
Luxombourg than anyone ever could have.
We here at K2JAS, also fearing an uproar from animal activists over the use
of gerbils, have set to work using.... trained moles.... which all my
surrounding neighbors AND animal rights activists with tunneled lawns are
gladly donating for the ground rod sacrificing ceremonies. And since this is
New Jersey and not Luxembourg... we have had to notify the FAA to re-route
overflying aircraft away from our test facility which is below an approach
corridor to Newark Airport runway 36
Aside from mole parts potentially clogging rain gutters... we anticipate no
unusual problems except one....
How do we remove the parts of the moles that were EXOTHERMICALLY bonded to
the rocks below? I seems that charred mole skin, after exothermic
vaporization, becomes known in Latin as <gribbonas.molus>.... which is
almost as hard as diamonds and even more impenetrable than the underlying
rock strata. Oh! Well! Back to the drawing boards ;-)
Respectfully submitted for your enjoyment.....
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