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[AMPS] Clams don't have teeth

To: <amps@contesting.com>
Subject: [AMPS] Clams don't have teeth
From: scook@azstarnet.com (scook@azstarnet.com)
Date: Sat, 09 May 1998 16:58:40 -0700
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball
     in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his
     backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
     Institute, labeling them with scientific names,  insisting that
     they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and
     does this in his spare time!
     
     Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian
     Institution.  Bear this in mind next time you think you are
     challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in
     writing.
     
     Smithsonian Institute
     207 Pennsylvania Avenue
     Washington, DC 20078
     
     Dear Mr. Williams:
     
     Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
     "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid
     skull."   We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
     examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
     theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early
     Man in Charleston County two million years ago.
     
     Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a
     Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small
     children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."  It is evident that you
     have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this
     specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
     familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
     contradiction with your findings.  However, we do feel that there
     are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
     have tipped you off to its modern origin:
     
     1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
         typically fossilized bone.
     
     2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
        centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
        identified proto-homonids.
     
     3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
        with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
        man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands
        during that time.
     
     This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
     hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
     institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against
     it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
     
     A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
        chewed on.
     
     B. Clams don't have teeth.
     
     It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
     request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to
     the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
     partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
     recent geologic record.
     
     To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior
     to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
     inaccurate results.
     
     Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
     Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of
     assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus
     spiff-arino.  Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously
     for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately
     voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated,
     and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
     
     However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
     fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
     Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of
     the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
     
     You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in
     his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously
     submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily
     on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have
     discovered in your Newport back yard.
     
     We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
     proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
     Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
     you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating
     fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes
     the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
     discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-cm Sears
     Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
     
     Yours in Science,
     Harvey Rowe
     Chief Curator-Antiquities

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