Sorry it's off topic guys, but just too good to pass up. Blame Matt,
he sent it to me.
> Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally
> will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges
> between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
>
> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
>
> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We ... have digital watches!"
> ============================================================
>
> "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
>
> "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
>
> "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
> ============================================================
> >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
> "I'm bored!"
>
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify
> yourself immediately!"
>
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
> ============================================================
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic
> is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
>
> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've
> got the little Fokker in sight."
> ============================================================
> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
> attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What
> was your last known position?"
>
> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
> ============================================================
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
> long roll out after touching down.
>
> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
> turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If
> you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,
> make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
> ============================================================
>
> There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
> landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running
> "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that
> he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
>
> "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
> approach."
> ============================================================
>
> Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around
> and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
> off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
> was the problem?"
>
> "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
> explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new
> pilot."
> ============================================================
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
> overheard the following:
>
> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance
> time?"
>
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
> English."
>
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
> in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
>
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
> "Because you lost the bloody war."
> ============================================================
>
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
> on frequency 124.7"
>
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
> way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the
> far end of the runway."
>
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
> contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
> from Eastern 702?"
>
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
> and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
>
> ==========================================================
>
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
> hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8
> landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
> Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on
> the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
> make it all by yourself?"
>
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
> back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another
> landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
> ============================================================
----------------------------
Comment from K4SB: This below incident did not occur at Gatwick, but
at a middle Florida airport. I know, because I was there at the time.
And while the "comment" made by the "unknow" was the best, everyone
else did their very best to harrass that B..ch. in the tower. After
about 10 minutes, she was replaced. Someone also filed a complaint
with her bosses about her language, and the last I heard, she was
grounded without pay for 2 weeks and sent to some sort of FAA anger
management course. You really have to hear the launguage to fully
appreciate how out of control you was.
-----------------------------
> While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US
> Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
> came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground
> controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
> where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
> Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
> I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
> D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed
> crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
> everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay
> right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
> progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
> you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
> tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
>
> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground
> control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
> verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
> the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
> every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
> Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
> microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
>
> ________________________________________________________________________
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