Fellow ham passed this on to me today. I’d seen it before but long long ago
and had forgotten the soundness of the descriptions, especially the Skill saw
which I used a couple of days ago ‘on definition’. Made me and my neighbor
chuckle.
Thought maybe some had not seen it or at least in awhile. Some good points!!!!!
Don W7WLL
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the
time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your
back.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects
in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you
cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at
amputations.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to
the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.
SON OF A B*TCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
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