[AMPS] : [Fwd: Dilbert]
km1h@juno.com
km1h@juno.com
Mon, 21 Apr 1997 09:56:29 EDT
From: Jim McCook, W6YA
To: Rosie Crewse, INTERNET:rcrewse@earthlink.net
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Date: 4/19/97 5:20 AM
RE: Dilbert
Hi Everyone.. Here's one worth reading..
Jim McCook
Men Who Use Computers Are the New Sex Symbols of the '90s
by Scott Adams
I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip,
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers,
comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from
women
who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already
married a
Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends
most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy, but not exactly
Kevin
Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And
he stays
home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex
appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have
the
ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be
able to
run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead.
But that
skill is becoming less important every year. Now all that matters is if
you
can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support
and
confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to
work in
tech support.
It is obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each
with
its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users - who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal
beings
who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support).
Computer owners - who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will
gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.
Non-computer users - who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary
track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the
luge
ride to the dung- flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a
knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential. And women prefer
men who
listen. Computers users are excellent listeners because they can look at
you
for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a
relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all
the
stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy
who's in,
let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the
seventh
month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great
listener for
the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with
somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan
lotion with
SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili
peppers in
pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours
a day
in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I
know
because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who
married a
computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realized this
isn't
statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing
I've
written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They
tend to have either (1) male pattern baldness -- the sign of elevated
testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on
people
who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I
think
we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in
pointing
out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it
isn't the
repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay.
Some day
those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be
laughing
(Answer to the rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton
said
that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S.
government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You
could argue
with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the
government.
Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms,so they
must know
a thing or two about satisfying women.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car.
But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars
so they
wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology replaced hot cars as
the new
symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line
to the
Internet, no woman is
going to look at them twice.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a
man in
boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree
that this
is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that
it's best
if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look
like a
loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's
just
that I'm sure they won't read this article.
--------- End forwarded message ----------
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