Little Billy, 9 Holes, and World Peace

[intelhf!agora!putz!nortond at uunet.UU.NET]

To:  American Good Golfing League (AGGL)

Subject:  Little Billy, 9 Holes, and World Peace

Over the last number of years, I have learned to play a somewhat
respectable game of golf.  I have become interested in the US Open,
which appears to be the most prestigious national golfing event.

The US Open is an enjoyable event but has one major flaw.  That is,
over the few years I've been following it, essentially the same
guys keep winning.  I think the contest would be more interesting
if the rules were changed so that more people would have a chance
of winning. I realize that I could now win smaller local events,
but I would also like the prestige that would come from winning the
US Open.  Presently I lack some combination of skill, strength,
endurance, equipment, and dedication to do so under the current
rules.  Therefore I would like the rules changed so that I can win
or come closer with the effort I am currently capable of producing.

1)   First, the length of the fairways on many of the holes is
     longer than I can hit.  I have only one driver, plus I have a
     small golf club bag that does not have space for more, and do
     not feel that those who are stronger or who have spent more
     money on equipment should be rewarded.  I find that I can hit
     the ball about 200 yards.  Therefore please reduce the length
     of the fairway to 200 yards on all holes.

2)   Second, the holes should be enlarged.  I have only one putter, 
     and I don't feel that people who spend large amounts of money
     for fancy putters should be rewarded.  I have noticed that
     most of my putts go within one foot of the hole, which should
     be close enough to count.  Therefore, please enlarge the hole
     to have a one-foot radius so that my puts will go in.

3)   Third, my sister-in-law has planned a birthday party for her
     adopted orphan son, little Billy, that falls on the same day
     that you have scheduled the US Open next year.  Little Billy
     is in the Cub Scouts and already is helping little old ladies
     to cross the street.  I'm certain that it would not be in
     society's best interest to ignore Cub Scouts and the safety of
     little old ladies.  Please change the date of the US Open to
     another weekend so that it fits better with the things I need
     to attend to in the rest of my life.

4)   Fourth, I am getting older and find that playing 18 holes is
     too hard on me.  Please reduce the number of holes on all golf
     courses to 9. The remainder of the courses could then be used
     to grow food to feed the hungry, to build homes on to house
     the homeless, and to construct laboratories where researchers
     can find cures for cancer and AIDS.

Rarely can adoption of so few suggestions hit such a hole-in-one
for mankind.  In a few more years I will be older and may suggest
an even greater reduction in the US Open that, besides permitting
me to win at that time, will be calculated to promote world peace
and harmony.

                                        Fore forever,
                                        Dick Norton Ennsixaa