[CQ-Contest] The Chosen
hbrakob at gmail.com
Sat Dec 19 10:59:47 EST 2015
The Wise Ones live in the depths of the D, E, and F-Layers, and in the
servers at Contesting.com. They are the descendants of the Gods. I
personally subscribe to the theory they are the children of Thor
Heyerdahl, the Viking god of Thunder and Balsawood Raft Dxpeditions. But
that's another story.
The Wise Ones criticize everything that happens on the air and on this
list, but they can't police every pileup or every reflector by themselves,
so every morning, just before daylight over Katmandu, the Wise Ones select
the "Mostest Intellegentest Contesters" in their layer and convey upon him the
title INFLICTOR OF HIGHER MORAL HARANGUES. This title and its duties last
until the following dawn on Bouvet, if someone is there to observe the
sunrise. Otherwise your duties end when Riley Hollingsworth gets tired of
your crap and sends his lawyers with a gag order.
If you are ever chosen you will know because a representative of the Wise
Ones will anoint your temples with oil from a forty year old bottle of Dr.
Guano, collected on Ocean Island by VR1L in 1963. For that day you will be
known as The Chosen. Your duties will be to seek out those that don't do
things the way you do them (in other words, the right way.) When you find
them, it will be your duty to correct them.
Think about it...too wide, too weak, too slow, too fast, what's your call
dammit, wrong VFO, rotten fist, poor pileup control, wrong band, wrong
zone, do not "please copy", wrong lingo, not enough green stamps,
you're in the DX window, no-coders not allowed, coders suck, .... They're
When you find these wayward ones, you will lumber onto their frequency, oronto their reflector thread, stand up in your operating chair and shout, I
AM A BETTER CONTESTER THAN YOU, SHUT UP AND LISTEN.
You will now have the wayward one's undivided attention. He will
think about this very briefly, then yield to your superior intellect and contesting
skill. He will be very receptive to your thoughts and point of view.
Lecture him and proceed to the next wrongdoer.
Now for the sad part of this tale. There are pretenders and charlatans out
there who try to usurp the rightful powers of The Chosen. To you
villainous few, I say beware. The Wise Ones also created BAWA (Baddest Ass
Whats Around). No matter how bad you are, BAWA has the ability to be
badder. You will know when you start your lecture and Bawa yells back,
"You're a jerk, but I'm a bigger one. LET'S ESCALATE".
And you will have no choice.
But soon BAWA will tire of you and sink your little balsa boat. As you slip
under the surface you will yell, "BUT I WAS RIGHT, DAMMIT" and you will
once again prove the ancient mariners axiom -- AN OPEN MOUTH TAKES
de Hans, K0HB
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