[NCC] Relativity made relatively simple

[The Tolberts]

With apologies to Dr. Nit Wit.

April, 01, 2001

Wayne Newton was sitting under an apple tree and was struck on the head by a
falling fig. The gravity of this situation later led Alfred Einstein to
doubt that nothing was relative. He began to relate how gravity affected fig
newtons. He theorized that if he could get a pound of cookies going at the
speed of light, their weight would increase to infinity, thus reducing to
near zero the cost per pound. Of course, he didn't realize what would happen
when fig newtons hit the grocery stores at that speed. Al set up a
relativity lab to perfect his theory, equipped with such unusual and complex
items as an infinity chamber, space benders and lots of high-speed watches.
He soon noted that the hands of the watches ran slower as they approached
the speed of light. He was never able to prove it since they were difficult
to catch. However he observed the speeding watches always returned to earth
due to gravity, leading him to the conclusion that space is curved and is
closely related to time and gravity. Before he could get this complex theory
down on paper, he was distracted by a shapely young secretary. Up until
then, he had only defined bodies by three dimensions. It only took old Al a
glance to realize that time also affects a body. This he called the fourth
dimension and vowed he would work it into his complex theory of relativity.
He was aware all good theories contain complex mathematical formulas and
since fig newtons were already patented, he came up with a unique formula to
avoid patent infringement, E=MC². Simply stated, this merely calculates the
energy (E) it takes to clean up the mess (M) after cookies collide at the
speed of light (C²). Al established a project in Manhattan to study fusion
and fashion but due to the war moved to Oak Ridge and redirected his efforts
from New York fashion to Tennessee fission. On a Sunday afternoon fission
trip, Einstein and other longhaired scientists reasoned that if they could
get enough (E) cookies traveling at the speed of light (C²) the resulting
mess (M) may win the war. The rest, as they say, is history.

73, Jamie WW3S


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