[SCCC] Aluminum Plantations and 17 Element 40m Yagis

[Dennis Younker NE6I]

After a long weekend in the ARRL DX SSB contest, it's time for a good laugh.
Check out the WA7AA bio on QRZ.com. Be sure to be sitting down and not
eating or drinking when you read this. You will be laughing pretty heartily.

 

I was born in 1964, in a medium rare DX country (later to become well done
in the civil war), during a solar cycle minimum. I immediately placed in the
top three in the annual maternity ward's CQ DX Contest. It was a sign of
what was to come. Three wise men followed a star to come see me, but they
took a wrong turn somewhere in Mesopotamia and drowned in the Mediterranean.

I built my first radio when I was only six and a half months old. It worked
very well considering it was made out of a half eaten banana and a brown
leather shoe, size 8.5. Later that week I passed my Novice test, applied for
a callsign, but was rejected on the grounds that I was a baby and as such
had no concept of object permanence, let alone of electromagnetism. Still,
that hardly discouraged me and by the time I was seven, I worked over 310
DXCC countries on the 37m band, which is quite an accomplishment since this
band was a complete figment of my imaginary friend's imagination.

In 1972, I obtained my General license and immediately applied to the Armed
Services Committee for my own personal tank and armored vehicle brigade, but
it turns out I had misunderstood the concept of "General". I dismissed this
as the usual UN Illuminati conspiratorial nonsense and studied hard for my
Three Star General license, but passed the test with too high grades and
became a Four Star General instead.

By that time, I was already constructing my own software defined radios that
I was unable to use since the computer hadn't been invented yet and my
father had forgotten to pay the electric bill. Later that summer I finished
my ultimate antenna project: it was a 17-element full-size 40m Yagi. In
those days, aluminum was hard to come by because earlier that century the
monsoons had decimated the aluminum plantations, so I was forced to build my
antenna from whatever I could find on the street, mostly gold and slightly
radioactive isotopes of Thalium. I was very active on the bands, making on
average 4-5000 QSOs an hour, but my efforts went unappreciated by other
jealous hams who were all "pirate this, illegal operation that" and so on.

On the contest scene, I continuously placed in the top ten in any category I
picked, as long as that category had ten participants. My best
accomplishment in those years was the second place in the World, in the CQ
WW CW Multi-Multi category in which I single-handedly operated all
twenty-five stations and never once took a bathroom break in the entire 48
hours despite consuming a full six-pack of Bacardi Gold. I would have taken
the first place, too, had it not been for those damn liberals.

In the late 80's, I took my first shot at a UHF EME contest and placed
seventh in the world. This was a remarkable result, if only for the fact
that just five logs were submitted, two of them checklogs.

Disillusioned, I returned to DX-ing. Being unable to continue operating from
my home QTH where they wouldn't allow antenna installations in prisons, I
turned to DX-peditioning. In little over 3.5 years, I visited some 257 DXCC
countries, operated from 286, got drunk in 292 and expelled from at least
159. To this day, I am still not allowed back in most of them, including
some of the ones that don't even exist anymore. Some of my better known
callsigns from those years include M0RON, 1/2W1T, D1CK, D0UCHE, N1XON/CR0OK,
UP/Y0RS and many others.

In the early 90's I emigrated to Canada where I stayed for 8 years but found
it too irritatingly polite and had no choice but to move south to the US.

My station consists of a spark transmitter powered by a barrel of monkeys, a
three foot tower with a stack of 40m monobanders and a laser pointer. I am
using a Pentium food processor with a 10TB raid as a foot warmer, while my
Alpha 9500 amplifier is rigged to provide full illegal limit power for my
cellphone.

My QSL-ing policy is simple: send me money. That's it. 

My other hobbies include investing (I own millions of shares of Enron,
Global Crossing, Tyco and the US Government), as well as nukeel...
nooklee... regular physics. I also enjoy reading other people's QRZ bios and
pointing out offensive material to the authorities.